In a few days, it will be my turn to share my “testimony” or “life-story” with my Community Group. In order to help everyone else get to know me, I first have to get to know myself. I think this is more difficult than it sounds. So I am reading through old journal entries. This past year, they have been sparse. It is difficult to find the time to sit and write down my thoughts when I can hardly keep up with the laundry. But what I have written is precious to me, and dripping with new discoveries. Here is what I wrote a year ago today, when Josiah was 2 1/2 months old. (2/9/09):
The other morning I fed Josiah and then slipped away, leaving him sleeping in my bed. I busied myself around the house—picking stuff up, putting things away—grateful to have the chance to start my day getting life organized a bit. I hoped it would last long enough to get a little homework or sewing done before he woke up. But it didn’t last long. I was still washing a sink full of bottles and pump parts when he woke up—crying. As a new mom, I often come right to his rescue the moment he begins to wimper. If I have the power to make my son’s world brighter, why not do it? But my hands were wet and the dishes were almost done. This time I decided to finish what I was working on and let him cry. And cry he did. So then I start to think “I am a bad mom.” But what I was doing while he was crying was ultimately still for him! I need a clean pump and bottles to provide food for him while I am at class. In fact, doing these dishes was really more important for his well-being than coming to his rescue right that moment. But he didn’t know that. All he knew was that he was alone, and that’s what he thought…he couldn’t feel me, see me, smell me….so I’ve left him. But I hadn’t…I was just in the other room…still looking out for him. I could hear every cry, and he really wasn’t alone.
How often am I like that? God’s doing something for me…for my benefit in the long run. Something pretty important. But all I can see in my narrow view of the world is that He is not meeting my immediate need or desire. I realize that Josiah doesn’t know all that…and that is why he cries…yet I am far from mad at him for wanting me to be close. And I think that’s how God looks at it, too. Someday we’ll get it, Josiah and I. It may take a billion games of peek-a-boo before Josiah realizes that just because he can’t see me doesn’t mean I am not there. Is God playing peek-a-boo with me, trying to help me understand?
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