My husband rebels against New Year’s Resolutions. Too many years of watching America commit to losing weight and then giving up on week two, I think. I get it…and he’s got a point. There is nothing magical about New Years. No reason to think that things will happen for us now that we couldn’t have done last December.
But I still like the tradition…It’s like every year we all get a fresh start at doing everything we wished we did last year. Or did better. I like the opportunity to be intentional about setting long term goals. And so I do.
I have lots of goals for 2011.
For my blog:
I want to participate in more linky parties
and rework old posts so the pictures are bigger,
and make it so my links have names for each page instead of numbers,
and start a project portfolio page,
and a FAQs page,
and figure out how to better connect my etsy store to my blog page,
and write more posts that matter.
For my business:
I want to devote more time to turning more of the ideas bouncing around in my head to reality,
and to set up a booth at some craft shows,
and have enough inventory to do so,
and to grow to have 40-60 items in my etsy store at all times.
I want to stick to my last couple months of studying without losing motivation,
and I want to breeze through my comprehensive exams.
For my home:
I want to establish a craft and sewing room,
and remodel/decorate a big boy room for Josiah and a Master bedroom for us (which includes lots of painting of dressers and beds and such),
and save up for a new furnace and maybe a water heater,
and finish my patio table so that we can host dinners with friends out in the yard.
And there is more. Lots more I’d love to do.
But up until last night at about 1 am, I didn’t have a real resolution….by which I mean something I am going to do in the next year that actually has real significance. That really matters. Something that is going to take me through this year such that I come out on the other side a better me. More the me I was created to be.
So I have been praying about it. “God, what do you want me to work on this year?” Recently, I have felt that God has challenged me to dwell upon and really “live” a word or phrase which He has given to me…
Over much of the past year, my words have been
“Real” and “Bigger.”
Before that, it was
“The joy is in the doing.”
And before that,
With repetition, these phrases have been embedded deep into me and I have been changed. And so I asked God what words He would have me write upon my heart this year:
“What do I need to hear?”
“What do I need to know?”
In a roundabout, drawn out way, He told me. You see, early yesterday I found out that my job was given to someone else. It was a job I didn’t even really know I wanted. I didn’t apply for it. I didn’t tell anyone I was interested. As far as anyone knew (including myself) I wasn’t even looking. It probably shouldn’t have hurt me in the slightest little bit that I wasn’t offered the position. It really quite silly when you think about it. And yet it did: it hurt and I was bummed. It raised questions and doubts and frustration and sadness. When I didn’t get the job, I realized how much I wanted it…how much it feels like just what I was made to do.
And so I have mourned the loss. Honestly, I have cried about it. And not just once.
“What is this all about?” I asked God.
“Why do I feel this way?”
“And what do I do about it?”
God didn’t tell me I was being silly.
He didn’t tell me to fight for what I wanted or to stand up for what I believe.
God said I’d have been perfect for the job.
That I would be great at it.
“Great!” I said. “But what good does that do me?” Several times over the past few years I have asked for God’s wisdom in what I should do. He affirms that ___ sounds good…”Go for it,” He says. But I still don’t see where it has taken me or why. I ask God if I should keep going, if I really have it in me, and He says I am great. He says I am worth X…and yet no one seems to want to pay it.
I am speaking in abstractions here. It’s all kinda twisted up in itself and complicated, but I guess what I am saying is that it feels like God’s affirmation get’s me nowhere in this world. In any practical way that matters, what God thinks doesn’t seem to matter too much. In real life, I need a person to affirm me. A person to say what I seem lately only to be hearing from God…So that something will happen on earth…Something practical…something that matters.
That’s what I told God. And I said that’s what I wanted.
“Why don’t you tell THEM that?” I said. “If its true, tell them!“
And God said, “It’s enough.”
What God thinks, what God says, is enough for me.
It’s enough that God thinks I am valuable, talented, and worthy. Its enough that God sees in me all I can do… strengths where others see weakness. And skills where others don’t care.
Its enough. It is definitely enough.
So there you have it.
My mantra for as long as it takes to sink in…it’s enough.
Because it is. Of course it is.
But this is a truth that needs to marinate. To be etched on my heart. Until I really know it to be true.
God says so…and it’s enough.
It’s enough for me.
What is God saying to YOU this year?